So this is interesting..
I don't like her personality.. at all.
...yet I find myself falling for her.
And no, this is not the UIC-chick from earlier. I still do talk to her every now and then, but conversation always dies.. so... what's the point of trying anything? She mentioned once before I got back to Chicago that we should do something when I did, I said "yeah, that'd be fun." I haven't brought it up since and neither has she. She still IMs me once every couple of days or so, but I think she realizes that it ain't gonna happen.
Nicole: are you ready to fall for a girl?
I think so, yeah. Just maybe not this girl.
The way I understand it, if I fall, I'm going to fall hard. That's just how I am. And really, I'd rather have it that way than become jaded after a bunch of failures. For some reason part of me wants to equate.. "loving hard" (for lack of better words) with being clingy. But there's a difference between becoming invested and dependent. I was invested in Linda and Jacki. I gambled pretty big, especially on Jacki. It sucks to lose a gamble. I don't think I was dependent by any means, though. I pushed Jacki to try and aspire to her goal of being a theatre tech; when she told me she had joined up with the Obama campaign, I thought it was great (not realizing at the time what was really happening). And really, I was happy for her to be doing those things, even if it meant she spent less time talking to me; I wanted her to be happy with herself. I don't try to hold on tight, that's not right. But I also believe there's a difference between jealousy and being clingy. Jealousy is natural and if you don't even feel one iota of jealousy when you're in a relationship, then there's something wrong. It doesn't matter how secure you believe your relationship is, it's that jealousy of the other people she interacts with on a daily basis that aren't you that keeps you wanting to show her how wonderful you think she is and how much you love her; yet you can do that entirely without crossing over into creepy/clingy. No, I haven't figured out precisely how, mind you, as everything is going to be different from person to person, but this is what I believe I try to do.
And I know that I will fall hard again when the next girl comes around. And I know that it will kill me again when it ends. But I know that it won't stop me from giving it my all the next time after that. ...Unless it's this girl. I'm actually kind of worried: What exactly is it about her that is causing me to fall for her?