Paradigm Shift
Like whoa.
After some thought collection:
I took a walk this morning around 5:30 because I was just completely unable to focus on my lab. I use to sneak out of dad's house at night and go to Browning to sit on the play structure and think. I am so glad we have a small playground here near the apartments on campus. While I was sitting there something Jacki said to me in the first two weeks of our relationship hit me. It was the first time I had thought about it since she said it (I don't remember her exact words):
This may sound weird, but I look forward to our first problem so that we could work through it and become stronger together.
This may be that problem, this may not be. If it's not, well.. I guess we never got to that first problem Jacki, and that makes me sad. But that's not the point of this. The point is that.. for some reason, I had an epiphany. Not unlike that epiphany-toilet episode of Scrubs I watched with Corey and Phil last Sunday.
When Linda broke up with me, what did I do? I whined and cried, but worst of all I felt sorry for myself. That's all I did. I moved on, but I didn't.. take the chance to learn. ..Thinking about it, I don't think the chance was necessarilly there. I also don't think it was there when I got frustrated that Stephanie starting liking Phil after our date. Nor when Nicole left me. I just felt sad for myself because nothing seemed to work out. Then the past week or so after Jacki broke up with me has been no different. First I jumped to conclusions, then I felt like even more shit for having done so. Then.. I got some fresh air. I really don't know what it is about that quote, but.. I stopped feeling sad for myself. I stopped beating myself up. That is not to say I don't care anymore. It still kills me to have lost her, you have no idea. But.. like.. I feel confident now. I got back from my walk and sat down to finish my lab.. but I still couldn't focus. Instead of moping, though, I was.. smiling. I felt so much better. My mind was forming coherent thoughts. It was working out how things could work, working out how I could do things better, not how I could have done things better.
That's what my problem was, I completely had the wrong attitude about everything. I realize that now. This may be the first step to getting over Jacki. I may have to use it as such. But really, I would rather it be the first step in getting her back. I still love her. I still honestly think things could work with her. I just need to talk to her again and lay it all out there, properly.
Her original want was just to take a break for a bit, be on her own. I don't quite understand that fully, but I do respect it. I fucked things up pretty badly (in my defense, I misunderstood her, big time), but I would love to get things back to that point, back to what she originally wanted, a break. I would count that as a colossal win.
..She'll probably read this before we get a chance to talk again. I dunno. I would like to talk to her soon, but I realize she's busy. I just want to lay it all out there, make my case. You know.
Anyway, yeah, the whole point of this was that I feel amazing right now. I dunno, though, I hesitate to use the world "enlightened" :razz: It's an odd but rejuvenating feeling when you have a realization and complete attitude change for the better like this, especially when it's because of the person you love. Sadness and self-pity have been replaced with confidence and determination. I don't know if it's enough to work, but I will try my damndest.
In other news:
My laptop smells like a hairdryer that's been on for far too long (maybe I should turn it off).
This episode of Atlantis is.. pretty creepy! I like it, I don't recall if the Stargate crew has ever done a creepy episode of either show before. Episode seven of season five, if you haven't seen it, check it out.