Out of Sight, Out of Mind
That's the best way to deal with this, given recent developments. It's not worth it anymore. Why should I let myself get upset about this girl that can't seem to commit to anything? This girl that is completely ignoring me (and thus has written me out of her life right now?). This girl that, as all signs point to, would rather have something pointless than have something meaningful and wonderful (her words, she called us wonderful). Should I really let a girl like that cause me this much trouble? Let me get a resounding "no" from.. oh.. everyone? Yeah, not worth it, at all. She obviously needs to grow up a bit and figure out what the hell she wants. I'm obviously not important enough right now to be part of that ride. Fine. It's honestly not something I'd want to be part of right now, either. I thought she was surprisingly mature, but I see now that her young age and immaturity is showing now more than ever. Fine. Hopefully that'll change.
Hopefully things will be different eventually. Right now? I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this shit. It's not worth my time or my emotions. When she gets her shit together, I'll take another look, but right now I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'm not going to think about her anymore. I'm not going to let her bother me anymore.
I don't know if you read this anymore Jacki, I know you used to, but if you do read this I want you to know that what you're doing doesn't bother me anymore. I'm done being hurt by you. I honestly can't be friends with someone like that right now. All my life I've always been looking out for other people, letting them trod on me if need be. No. No more. It's about me now. And right now it is in my best interests to not deal with you while you're still being a child. When you feel you've grown up, perhaps then we could talk again.
I've removed you from my Facebook friends and taken you off my AIM buddylist. Sounds childish at first glance, but think about it. I'm thinking about me now. I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore. So by taking you off AIM I can no longer tell when you're online. By taking you off my Facebook friends I will no longer get any of your feeds. You've actually made it really easy for me! You're profile is hidden from me now that we're no longer friends. I can't see shit. Just as it should be. You no longer deserve the power to hurt me like you are.
'Cause isn't that what love is? Giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them not to? I gave you that power and I trusted you. You broke that trust and abused that power, and I'm still giving you that power. No more! You don't deserve to be on my mind, you don't deserve to have any affect on my emotions. That is obviously power that you do NOT understand the importance of.
So, go have fun with Zak, enjoy your "it's complicated" relationship. Learn to lie less, please. Please! It'll be better for everyone (especially you) if you stop lying: You told me he had nothing at all to do with the breakup. He entered an "it's complicated" relationship hours after you broke up with me. He told me that HE was affected by the break up. Andrew told me you slept with him (don't believe everything Andrew says, yeah, but I KNOW you did SOMETHING with him while you were dating me). You're now in a complicated relationship with him, yet you told me he had nothing to do with it. You told me you were NOT looking for relationship at this time, yet here you are having fun with Zak and it's on Facebook. Surprise! That counts as a relationship. So, go have fun with your new -buddy.
I hope you'll find the time to grow up between all your campaign work, school, and Zak; and I hope you realize what a shitty thing you did to me. It's completely not fair. I love(d) you with all my heart. You decided that neither I nor my love was worth ANY effort on your part. You decided to go for the cheap, anytime thrills instead of something you said you believed in because it would require some extra effort on your part. I see where your priorities lie. I see that I am not important. To you. I am now the most important person in my life. You have taught me two things now: 1) I have had the wrong attitude about everything, always feeling sorry for myself, and now 2) that I am the most important person in my life. Thank you. You've changed me. You've had an effect on me. I can only see this being good for me. I wanted to love you, I wanted to be the person you loved and turned to and continued to look at with that happy face I remember when you first visited. Not anymore. I don't want -- I can't -- keep thinking about someone as immature as you. It's not about you anymore. It's about me. Thank you for liberating me.
All that said, I really do hope you grow up at some point. I really do hope that perhaps we can try again. I do still love you, but you are right: we can NOT go back to what we had. We will both be different people if we try again. It WILL be completely new. And that is for the best. As you are, right now, you are not worth my time or emotions. I am certain that will change, I don't know when that will change, but I believe you have the ability to grow up and make smart decisions.
Feelings you'll see behind this letter: Anger and hate, just like last time.
Feelings I'm writing in this letter: Relief. That's it.
I am not angry anymore. I am not hurt. I am completely calm right now. This whole letter was written while being calm. I am over it. I am over you. I thought about this a lot and came to this conclusion while playing Rock Band with Paul and Andrew. I barely talked about you to them. That would only be letting you win. No. You don't win. I win. You may have a new toy right now, but he'll be gone in less than a month. I have a new start, a new take on life that will last me forever and treat me very, very well.