sugardeath

The Coming Winter

I bet it's not hard to figure out what I meant when I previously talked about thinking too much...  Normally my attitude is "play it off, everything will be fine," and I think I've been doing a great job around other people.. but on my own I'm still..

It's.. really quite a jarring change to have not talked to Jacki for almost two weeks now.  I realize she's going to be busy with school and the campaign.. and that I may not be high on her list of people to talk to.. but.. I miss her, and..

Imagine one night you're on Facebook and you start talking with an old friend.  You guys talk for a few hours, catching up..  And then you talk the next night.  And the next night.  Catching up has now turned into learning more about each other, sometimes more than you thought you wanted to know, but you're still eager to talk and listen.  Now imagine that you're talking with this person every night, for hours upon hours (sometimes upwards of six or seven) until it's almost daybreak; every night (save for, like, maybe a total of five nights) for two and a half months.

That's precisely what happened with Jacki and me.  It was something nice and familiar to expect after a long day at work and the general boringness of the summer.  I looked forward to talking to her every night.  It was worth getting two or three hours of sleep each morning and falling asleep at work.  ..I got used to it.  It was during this time in the summer while we talked that I honestly believe I fell in love with her.  It just took me forever to admit it to myself (I was afraid).. let alone to her. 

And, well, then we got together, then she left me, that's all commonly known.

Don't you think that she'd be on my mind less because we don't talk?  Normally, maybe, sure.. but.. I lost something consistent in my life.  Yeah, I realize that one should never rely on things because change is inevitable.. but.. still. 

There's this TV in the main lobby of MSV that usually displays things like upcoming events or news or whatever.  It's really too high to be convenient to read (or maybe I'm just too short), but it has displayed a single quote from George Santayana on its screen since mere days before Jacki broke up with me:

To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.

But spring was so fucking nice.