And when I think I’m getting better..
..what comes my way but more hurt and pain at the apparent fact that had I.. said something, anything, I could have had a chance to avoid all of this.. all of this shit I have felt. My mind races back to that moment.. when she was walking out the door.. she... she thought I gave up.. she presented the whole thing as a hopeless scenario.. that i had lost over a week ago. If I had known that the decision was still up in the air.. if i had known that i could've saved it.. there is so much that i would have done..
And then I.. I jumped to conclusions. I made something out of nothing. I made a big fucking something out of nothing. Get ready to punch me in the face everyone, but.. I believe her when she says nothing happened with him. She.. explained her reasons again.. better this time...
there is so much that i would still do...
i miss her
i fucked up
As if that wasn’t enough..
I wonder how much I posted during my last serious bout of tonsillitis.. if it gets as bad again.. I don't think I'll be posting much at all (due to, you know, being dead and all again). My tonsils definitely started.. feeling funny earlier yesterday. Well, the mere fact that I could feel them when swallowing is a scary, scary problem. I am not going to class tonight.. Might as well see if I can get some extra sleep in tonight...
I had a dream somewhere between midnight-thirty and four in the afternoon.. It was pretty neat.. I was getting a late meal at some.. fast food place in a mall. The mall was closing yet I could still somehow get up to the second floor, so I took my food up there. There was a pool on the second floor, just right in the middle, so I swam for a bit and then decided to wander around on the third floor. The third floor, at least along the entire back wall, was someone's house. I ended up hiding in a room that looked and felt strangely like David's at my dad's house because the father figure was looking for whatever was causing all the noise I was making.. ..Just now I realized I've had this dream before. Well, not this one, but it did take place in this same mall-type place and I do recall being in that "house" on the third floor before. I'm pretty sure the pool was more elabroate last time with like water slides and stuff (as well as people because the mall was open last time). I also recall going up to the fifth floor where a bunch of clothing shops were. I think I was running from something last time? I can't remember too well. I don't remember when I last dreamed this place...
I wonder if there's some sort of emotional-physical tie-in to my tonsillitis? The first time I got it, the last week of this most recent Christmas break.. I don't think there was anything emotionally jarring. No.. I think I was pretty well off in that regard. The second time was almost a week or so after Nicole broke up with me. A bunch of us went to Noodles and Co. for dinner on the Wednesday during Spring Break. I started feeling slightly ill following that.. and the next week and a half / two weeks were me laying dead in my room. The third time was a brief little scare during the summer, shortly after I started working. I attribute that one to a new work environment and a nasty, nasty keyboard. And now here I am.. just two days after Jacki broke up with me and my tonsils are swelling a little... I haven't had any food or anything that would possibly do this.. Though maybe all that booze and the subsequent vomiting could probably be a cause... I just hope it doesn't get as bad again..
I e-mailed Erica at the reg. office to tell her that I will NOT be able to work this semester.. seeing as how I'm having a hard time making it to my classes to begin with.. adding a job into the mix is just a bad idea. I'll just have to stop.. buying things.
I.. sent Jacki a hugely long message on Facebook... Still waiting for a reply.. (I'm not holding out for one, honestly) Basically the reason I am so upset is that.. after I got to thinking about her reasons or breaking up with me.. they all point to her having lied to me. About.. well, a few different things. I detailed it all in the letter. I.. am not going to do what I did when Linda broke up with me and just let loose here on my site. That was immature of me.
Oh "Compare People" Facebook App.. I just got an email with the subject "Anthony, here are your hottest single friends."
* "Who is hotter"
1. Alyssa Grant (210 points, voted 261 times) Go figure
2. Lisa Stanley (135 points, voted 184 times)
3. Shana Hartel (100 points, voted 144 times) Worked with her.. pretty cool gal
4. Linda Goldstein (195 points, voted 639 times)
5. Jennifer Arlene Priehs (87 points, voted 135 times)
If my tonsils don't get any better this week, I'll make an appointment at the health center for the end of this week or the beginning of next week, whichever is available.
Her arguments were really just kind of flaky, especially given all that we had talked about leading up to and during our relationship. So either she gave me bullshit arguments.. which, no, she did give me bullshit arguments (really, you should've heard them). But that also means that most of what she said to me.. wasn't real, wasn't how she felt, wasn't what she believed in. I was sad Friday night / Saturday morning. I was angry Sunday after thinking more about it, and now I am just.. bleh.
I mean, really, what am I doing wrong? Should I stop the nice guy routine? Should I stop caring about the girl so much? I just want them to be happy! "Yeah.. I know.. that's why I'm talking to you about this.." ..because my wanting you to be happy means I am a pushover and will let you go without a fight...? I never have the words to argue or say what I want to say during any such situation. It's always afterwards that I find them.. and by then it's too late. ..Well, with Jacki I have a feeling it was too late a week ago. I remember having a really paranoid, bad feeling shortly before our one month... Jeremy talked me out of it, but it seems like.. it was well founded, yeah? I had another dread feeling when she got here, when she was hesitant to kiss me. Same feeling I had shortly before Nicole broke up with me..
Jeremy got me booze and someone to complain to. Linda got me someone to complain to and a hug. Nicole got me cookies and someone to complain to. Amber got me a hug. Corey and Phil got me Giordonno's pizza. Jason and Alyssa let me bitch and moan to them. I'm glad I've got friends to put up with my whining like this. Though.. I'd rather not have to rely on them for.. whining...
There was just a squirrel fight outside. Awesome.
I guess the reason I always end up falling so hard (and subsequently getting hurt so hard... everytime :neutral: ) is that I have a particular life philosophy that pertains to situations like these... I think I heard it from Celeste?
If you're not going to love with all your heart, why love?
I mean.. it makes sense, right? Or maybe I'm just stupid...
Anyway, it's dinner time. I think overall I'm actually handling this pretty well. I just hope my tonsils do too..
Mmm Delicious Hangover
Yeah.. booze is the answer... totally.. No. I'm an idiot. But! I do feel a hell of a lot better (emotionally that is, physically too after a lot of sleep and some expelling of stomach contents). I guess that counts for something? Now to get something to eat and drink.. I have cookies from Nicole! Thanks! :D
Why is there a documentary about dragons (as if they were real) on the Science Channel? Patrick Stewart is narrating! This program stays on.
I need a new game to play.
Oh right! I downloaded Star Wars Episode 1: Pod Racer for the PC! I wonder how it compares to the N64 version?
That’s a lot of days…
A month of days, to be exact =P
Did you know that Jacki is an intern for president-hopeful Obama? Well, more an intern for an on-campus chapter of Obama's campaign at OU. It's really cool. She's been working a lot and it's easy to see that she really enjoys and believes in what she's doing. It is really nice to see her put so much energy into something that excites her.
She's a wonderful girl. I think I already mentioned the eight hour talk we had outside Navy Pier a month ago, but we've been talking for hours nearly every night (not so much lately with school and her working) since about late July, mid-June. It's really cool. We'll just stay up forever talking about anything and everything. It is so easy to talk to her. That's really the best thing.. the ability to communicate so openly with someone, it's an important foundation for any relationship. I am happy to have a girlfriend. No, wait. Scratch that. I am happy to have a completely wonderful girlfriend.. but I am happiest that we have the ability to communicate with each other as we do. 'Cause really, what's the point if the ability to communicate is lacking? It took me a while to realize this important factor... but I'm pretty sure I got it right this time :)
Happy one month Jacki :D
Gah!
I wanted to have something written up here. Something, you know... good, but I just can't find the words. Is this a problem? I don't know. It's probably a good thing that she makes me speechless like this, but at the same time I would like to describe why she does this to me, what about her makes me lose my words. I sit down with the intent to type out something.. you know, meaningful. All that comes out is.. well, nothing. I sit (t)here and think, and think and think and think, but where are the words!?
That aside... I've been playing around with adding widgets to my sidebar. It's pretty neat. I've also added a threaded comment plugin (as demonstrated here) as well as a live comment preview plugin. It's really neat. Also, if you have an OpenID, please comment with it! Show your support!