I had a dream somewhere between midnight-thirty and four in the afternoon..  It was pretty neat..  I was getting a late meal at some.. fast food place in a mall.  The mall was closing yet I could still somehow get up to the second floor, so I took my food up there.  There was a pool on the second floor, just right in the middle, so I swam for a bit and then decided to wander around on the third floor.  The third floor, at least along the entire back wall, was someone's house.  I ended up hiding in a room that looked and felt strangely like David's at my dad's house because the father figure was looking for whatever was causing all the noise I was making..  ..Just now I realized I've had this dream before.  Well, not this one, but it did take place in this same mall-type place and I do recall being in that "house" on the third floor before.  I'm pretty sure the pool was more elabroate last time with like water slides and stuff (as well as people because the mall was open last time).  I also recall going up to the fifth floor where a bunch of clothing shops were.  I think I was running from something last time?  I can't remember too well.  I don't remember when I last dreamed this place...

I wonder if there's some sort of emotional-physical tie-in to my tonsillitis?  The first time I got it, the last week of this most recent Christmas break..  I don't think there was anything emotionally jarring.  No.. I think I was pretty well off in that regard.  The second time was almost a week or so after Nicole broke up with me.  A bunch of us went to Noodles and Co. for dinner on the Wednesday during Spring Break.  I started feeling slightly ill following that.. and the next week and a half / two weeks were me laying dead in my room.  The third time was a brief little scare during the summer, shortly after I started working.  I attribute that one to a new work environment and a nasty, nasty keyboard.  And now here I am..  just two days after Jacki broke up with me and my tonsils are swelling a little...  I haven't had any food or anything that would possibly do this..  Though maybe all that booze and the subsequent vomiting could probably be a cause...  I just hope it doesn't get as bad again..

I e-mailed Erica at the reg. office to tell her that I will NOT be able to work this semester.. seeing as how I'm having a hard time making it to my classes to begin with.. adding a job into the mix is just a bad idea.  I'll just have to stop.. buying things.

I.. sent Jacki a hugely long message on Facebook...  Still waiting for a reply.. (I'm not holding out for one, honestly) Basically the reason I am so upset is that.. after I got to thinking about her reasons or breaking up with me.. they all point to her having lied to me.  About.. well, a few different things.  I detailed it all in the letter.  I.. am not going to do what I did when Linda broke up with me and just let loose here on my site.  That was immature of me.

Oh "Compare People" Facebook App..  I just got an email with the subject "Anthony, here are your hottest single friends." 

* "Who is hotter"
1. Alyssa Grant (210 points, voted 261 times) Go figure
2. Lisa Stanley (135 points, voted 184 times)
3. Shana Hartel (100 points, voted 144 times) Worked with her.. pretty cool gal
4. Linda Goldstein (195 points, voted 639 times)
5. Jennifer Arlene Priehs (87 points, voted 135 times)

If my tonsils don't get any better this week, I'll make an appointment at the health center for the end of this week or the beginning of next week, whichever is available.

Her arguments were really just kind of flaky, especially given all that we had talked about leading up to and during our relationship.  So either she gave me bullshit arguments.. which, no, she did give me bullshit arguments (really, you should've heard them).  But that also means that most of what she said to me.. wasn't real, wasn't how she felt, wasn't what she believed in.  I was sad Friday night / Saturday morning.  I was angry Sunday after thinking more about it, and now I am just..  bleh. 

I mean, really, what am I doing wrong?  Should I stop the nice guy routine?  Should I stop caring about the girl so much?  I just want them to be happy!  "Yeah.. I know.. that's why I'm talking to you about this.."  ..because my wanting you to be happy means I am a pushover and will let you go without a fight...?  I never have the words to argue or say what I want to say during any such situation.  It's always afterwards that I find them.. and by then it's too late.  ..Well, with Jacki I have a feeling it was too late a week ago.  I remember having a really paranoid, bad feeling shortly before our one month...  Jeremy talked me out of it, but it seems like.. it was well founded, yeah?  I had another dread feeling when she got here, when she was hesitant to kiss me.  Same feeling I had shortly before Nicole broke up with me.. 

Jeremy got me booze and someone to complain to.  Linda got me someone to complain to and a hug.  Nicole got me cookies and someone to complain to.  Amber got me a hug.  Corey and Phil got me Giordonno's pizza.  Jason and Alyssa let me bitch and moan to them.  I'm glad I've got friends to put up with my whining like this.  Though.. I'd rather not have to rely on them for.. whining... 

There was just a squirrel fight outside.  Awesome.

I guess the reason I always end up falling so hard (and subsequently getting hurt so hard... everytime :neutral: ) is that I have a particular life philosophy that pertains to situations like these...  I think I heard it from Celeste? 

If you're not going to love with all your heart, why love?

I mean.. it makes sense, right?  Or maybe I'm just stupid...

Anyway, it's dinner time.  I think overall I'm actually handling this pretty well.  I just hope my tonsils do too..

I had another dream last night.  I was explaining to Jason and Andrew's parents how they could get to Chicago with the Uhaul as the three of us were getting ready to go in my car. 

The second was in some kind of mall place.  Elyse was running her own deli type thing that was very successful.  In another area of the mall Matt was hanging out with some friends.  Apparently Jen knows Matt too.  Matt, being Matt, gave me a huge hug.

I was hoping I would wake up in my dorm room, but I guess that is too much to ask, ya know?

Am I just being paranoid?  Jason noted that Linda and I seemed "brittle" over the past few days.  Everyone keeps getting hung up on the fact that I got upset over her waking me up by dumping water on me.  (They sent Phil to check on me after dinner on Friday.  He's a horrible actor.) No one ever cares that I am fucking pissed when Jason wakes me up by pouring water on me and physically drags me from bed onto my chair onto the floor.  Or when Kevin shoots me with his airsoft gun.  Those fuckers hurt.

What's the difference?

I'm trying to do things right, but I get this.. feeling that I'm not.

I had an odd dream last night, here's the contents of the "wtf dream?" file on my desktop:

3/31/07
josh had boobs
didn't spend time with linda (fell asleep / she came in, left; as usual -_-)
my room at dad's in third east?
c-cups, he adjusted them
wtf

There are birds chirping at 2 in the morning.  huh

My stomach feels funny.  (not related to anything else) i think i'm going to go puke now

study java / bio

ugh

That's what I get for staying up all night working on Precalc.  Got through all of the derivative stuff though (which is where the polynomials came from), and even worked through chapter six in the precalc book.  Meaning, I'm a whole chapter ahead of the class.  Meaning.  Holy shit.  I was behind.  But no longer.  I rejoiced by napping in class today (what's new?  but at least I didn't miss anything this time).  As soon as I got back to my room, I conked out.  Slept straight through Java.  Felt soooo good.

I was half-asleep, half-awake.  Well, now that I think about it, I was probably seven-eighths asleep, one-eighths awake.  I remember seeing Jeremy's bed above me, and there was a polynomial floating there...  Except..  It was me.  I was the polynomial, above my own, human, body.  And some how I was eating things, such as my consciousness.  Damn derivatives!

Easily one of the weirder dreams I've had.

I woke up this moring with fragments of dreams running through my head.  One that I remember quite vividly is as follows: I was at work, walking into a theater to clean it.  As I passed by one of the trash cans that was out, I got a whif of what smelled like puke.  I took a few steps forward, and blew chunks all over the place.  It was..  weird..

I remember that all too well, but I can't remember why I was pissed off when I woke up...  I was seriously pissed, like I wanted to kill someone...  I remember a bit about people...  the more I think about it the clearer it becomes... specific people...  a female and a male...  I think I know them...  I'm not sure...  I wanted to kill one of them...  the male...  It was seriously the weirdest feeling.. waking up from a great sleep, only to be in such a bad mood...

I woke up peaceful and well rested. [plus, I woke up at 7:30, EARLY!]

Quite odd!

Again, this is all written exactly as I wrote it in my notebook when I wokeup.  Everything in [braces] is an addtion or comment afterwards.

Added notes in margin:

Post Scriptum:

When Mom asked me to walk for him, I blurted out "You want me to show him my posture?!"

When I told Jason, I made horrible spelling mistakes:
satoshi: que [?!] Hejk came over my heodr! [wtf?]
satoshi: Mr.
satoshi: Hall
satoshi: my house

1

I was in a port town and a huge storm was coming from the ocean.  Everybody was to be indoors as soon as possible.  One wave hit, and it was all we could do to hold David back.  In the mean time, I talked to Mary.  Found out she was suicidial (!) and planned to kill herself with the storm. [interjection: DAMN I have some weird dreams!] I had a stack of CDs on me and let her fling them around the room, causing much damage.  Something about 2AM Band being too much for her [o_O].  I also had Mom check my worklog or something from school, for some odd reason we had to turn it in soon and the person was coming in on a boat of sorts.  We go out there and Brian grabs the boat/capsule that had just floated in in order to steady it with the dock just as this lady with a butch hair cut told us.  She said that Brian had dropped a key below the deck, so I jumped down to get it.  I landed on old blacktop and woke up.  I was crying.  Somehow I knew Brian was gonna commit suicide too...

Extra notes I wrote afterwards and in the margin.

While talking with Mary, we both had quite the cry session during which, in an attempt to hug her, I sneezed and got mucus all over my face.  Choice quote: "I'm not hugging you like that."  One of the CDs destroyed Brian's already deteriorated Puzz3D of some English castle.  [True!  Brian made this castle Puzz3D thing and it has been sitting on this weird sewing machine thingy in Dad's dining room for SOOO long!  Many of the pieces are missing and it's falling apart like no other.]

I cried so hard with Mary.

There was a pool table in this large room that had a huge glass wall facing the ocean. [The room had a huge glass wall, not the pool table.  Again, I'm writing all this exactly as I wrote it in my notebook.] This is where David ran as a wave crashed through part of the wall.

Mary was on a bar stool of sorts in a corner near said pool table.

2

Another dream involved a teacher, perhaps a sensei of sorts, and... cars.  For some reason I want to say water too.

There was a sleek black car on a white cement street that had those smooth curbs up to peoples' lawn.  I remember seeing my master of sorts in the car.  Back or front, both seem plausible.  I remember pulling my car behind his and getting out to talk to him.  That is all I remember.