Documenting Dreams
A night or two ago, my dreams consisted of:
My mom telling me, in my new apartment that she hasn't seen, that I shaved my beard unevenly. So much so that it was four inches longer on one side than the other. This was not the case in the dream, nor is it in real life.
My bracelet breaking again.
The State Street Chicago River draw bridge rising up as I was walking towards it. Not even as I was walking on it, just towards it. So I had to wait, and then I woke up.
Weird dreams.
Got the script working and implemented into the whole thing. Fixed a few other issues that popped up. Day goes by fast when I actually have things to do.
Writing documentation isn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
This post id is 1941, why does that number stand out?
I had a dream the other night about trying to bend my glasses to fit my face better and then breaking them. It was really bad because I can't see shit without them... I need new glasses, it's been too long. I think the last time I got new glasses (let alone had my eyes checked) was the summer before freshman year of IIT. Maybe I'll get on that over winter break or something... I don't know what reminded me of this dream.
I'm still having those terrible thoughts every morning. I have to do something about this, it's weird.
Changes
I've got it in my head these past few days that I should get a haircut, but I have no idea what I would do. I liked it when it was short like it was almost precisely a year ago. I also love having the long bangs that come down the side of my face. I miss how my hair would look after I waited for the El on the platform and after I walked to work during the summer. The wind shaped my hair very nicely and I just don't have that anymore. I could emulate the look with hair stuff and a hairdryer, I'm sure, but that a) requires money and b) requires time that would make me feel like a girl. Neither of which is all that desirable. We'll see what happens, if anything I need at least a trim and to bring the back up a little bit more than the rest. Though that might end up looking gay or extra-feminine. I don't know. And it's pretty much decided that I have to keep some sort of goatee going, because otherwise I look far too feminine in the face. I just have to figure out how long I want to keep the thing and then how to keep it that long. All I've always done is let it get stupid long and then shave it all off.
I constantly have dreams about my bottom front tooth being loose and falling out. Last night I had one about all of my bottom front teeth being loose. And to quite a degree, too. It was very unnerving. I finally had that wake-from-a-dream-into-another-dream situation too. I was running around some warehouse and felt my teeth loose. I woke up and was laying in bed, and tried playing with my teeth, they were still loose. I woke up again and all was fine. I don't recall if this was the final time I woke up.
I talked with Jacki a few hours ago. I think my attitude change helped a lot. She said some things that hurt me, but only because she felt/is that way now because of the things I said a week ago that hurt her. I would rather her tell me the truth though. Neither of us knows what's going to happen from here, but I feel a lot better right now. In the end I have learned a lot that is bound to serve me well and that's what life is about.. growing.
Now to eat some food and play some Kirby.
As if that wasn’t enough..
I wonder how much I posted during my last serious bout of tonsillitis.. if it gets as bad again.. I don't think I'll be posting much at all (due to, you know, being dead and all again). My tonsils definitely started.. feeling funny earlier yesterday. Well, the mere fact that I could feel them when swallowing is a scary, scary problem. I am not going to class tonight.. Might as well see if I can get some extra sleep in tonight...
I had a dream somewhere between midnight-thirty and four in the afternoon.. It was pretty neat.. I was getting a late meal at some.. fast food place in a mall. The mall was closing yet I could still somehow get up to the second floor, so I took my food up there. There was a pool on the second floor, just right in the middle, so I swam for a bit and then decided to wander around on the third floor. The third floor, at least along the entire back wall, was someone's house. I ended up hiding in a room that looked and felt strangely like David's at my dad's house because the father figure was looking for whatever was causing all the noise I was making.. ..Just now I realized I've had this dream before. Well, not this one, but it did take place in this same mall-type place and I do recall being in that "house" on the third floor before. I'm pretty sure the pool was more elabroate last time with like water slides and stuff (as well as people because the mall was open last time). I also recall going up to the fifth floor where a bunch of clothing shops were. I think I was running from something last time? I can't remember too well. I don't remember when I last dreamed this place...
I wonder if there's some sort of emotional-physical tie-in to my tonsillitis? The first time I got it, the last week of this most recent Christmas break.. I don't think there was anything emotionally jarring. No.. I think I was pretty well off in that regard. The second time was almost a week or so after Nicole broke up with me. A bunch of us went to Noodles and Co. for dinner on the Wednesday during Spring Break. I started feeling slightly ill following that.. and the next week and a half / two weeks were me laying dead in my room. The third time was a brief little scare during the summer, shortly after I started working. I attribute that one to a new work environment and a nasty, nasty keyboard. And now here I am.. just two days after Jacki broke up with me and my tonsils are swelling a little... I haven't had any food or anything that would possibly do this.. Though maybe all that booze and the subsequent vomiting could probably be a cause... I just hope it doesn't get as bad again..
I e-mailed Erica at the reg. office to tell her that I will NOT be able to work this semester.. seeing as how I'm having a hard time making it to my classes to begin with.. adding a job into the mix is just a bad idea. I'll just have to stop.. buying things.
I.. sent Jacki a hugely long message on Facebook... Still waiting for a reply.. (I'm not holding out for one, honestly) Basically the reason I am so upset is that.. after I got to thinking about her reasons or breaking up with me.. they all point to her having lied to me. About.. well, a few different things. I detailed it all in the letter. I.. am not going to do what I did when Linda broke up with me and just let loose here on my site. That was immature of me.
Oh "Compare People" Facebook App.. I just got an email with the subject "Anthony, here are your hottest single friends."
* "Who is hotter"
1. Alyssa Grant (210 points, voted 261 times) Go figure
2. Lisa Stanley (135 points, voted 184 times)
3. Shana Hartel (100 points, voted 144 times) Worked with her.. pretty cool gal
4. Linda Goldstein (195 points, voted 639 times)
5. Jennifer Arlene Priehs (87 points, voted 135 times)
If my tonsils don't get any better this week, I'll make an appointment at the health center for the end of this week or the beginning of next week, whichever is available.
Her arguments were really just kind of flaky, especially given all that we had talked about leading up to and during our relationship. So either she gave me bullshit arguments.. which, no, she did give me bullshit arguments (really, you should've heard them). But that also means that most of what she said to me.. wasn't real, wasn't how she felt, wasn't what she believed in. I was sad Friday night / Saturday morning. I was angry Sunday after thinking more about it, and now I am just.. bleh.
I mean, really, what am I doing wrong? Should I stop the nice guy routine? Should I stop caring about the girl so much? I just want them to be happy! "Yeah.. I know.. that's why I'm talking to you about this.." ..because my wanting you to be happy means I am a pushover and will let you go without a fight...? I never have the words to argue or say what I want to say during any such situation. It's always afterwards that I find them.. and by then it's too late. ..Well, with Jacki I have a feeling it was too late a week ago. I remember having a really paranoid, bad feeling shortly before our one month... Jeremy talked me out of it, but it seems like.. it was well founded, yeah? I had another dread feeling when she got here, when she was hesitant to kiss me. Same feeling I had shortly before Nicole broke up with me..
Jeremy got me booze and someone to complain to. Linda got me someone to complain to and a hug. Nicole got me cookies and someone to complain to. Amber got me a hug. Corey and Phil got me Giordonno's pizza. Jason and Alyssa let me bitch and moan to them. I'm glad I've got friends to put up with my whining like this. Though.. I'd rather not have to rely on them for.. whining...
There was just a squirrel fight outside. Awesome.
I guess the reason I always end up falling so hard (and subsequently getting hurt so hard... everytime :neutral: ) is that I have a particular life philosophy that pertains to situations like these... I think I heard it from Celeste?
If you're not going to love with all your heart, why love?
I mean.. it makes sense, right? Or maybe I'm just stupid...
Anyway, it's dinner time. I think overall I'm actually handling this pretty well. I just hope my tonsils do too..