Out of Sight, Out of Mind
That's the best way to deal with this, given recent developments. It's not worth it anymore. Why should I let myself get upset about this girl that can't seem to commit to anything? This girl that is completely ignoring me (and thus has written me out of her life right now?). This girl that, as all signs point to, would rather have something pointless than have something meaningful and wonderful (her words, she called us wonderful). Should I really let a girl like that cause me this much trouble? Let me get a resounding "no" from.. oh.. everyone? Yeah, not worth it, at all. She obviously needs to grow up a bit and figure out what the hell she wants. I'm obviously not important enough right now to be part of that ride. Fine. It's honestly not something I'd want to be part of right now, either. I thought she was surprisingly mature, but I see now that her young age and immaturity is showing now more than ever. Fine. Hopefully that'll change.
Hopefully things will be different eventually. Right now? I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this shit. It's not worth my time or my emotions. When she gets her shit together, I'll take another look, but right now I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'm not going to think about her anymore. I'm not going to let her bother me anymore.
I don't know if you read this anymore Jacki, I know you used to, but if you do read this I want you to know that what you're doing doesn't bother me anymore. I'm done being hurt by you. I honestly can't be friends with someone like that right now. All my life I've always been looking out for other people, letting them trod on me if need be. No. No more. It's about me now. And right now it is in my best interests to not deal with you while you're still being a child. When you feel you've grown up, perhaps then we could talk again.
I've removed you from my Facebook friends and taken you off my AIM buddylist. Sounds childish at first glance, but think about it. I'm thinking about me now. I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore. So by taking you off AIM I can no longer tell when you're online. By taking you off my Facebook friends I will no longer get any of your feeds. You've actually made it really easy for me! You're profile is hidden from me now that we're no longer friends. I can't see shit. Just as it should be. You no longer deserve the power to hurt me like you are.
'Cause isn't that what love is? Giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them not to? I gave you that power and I trusted you. You broke that trust and abused that power, and I'm still giving you that power. No more! You don't deserve to be on my mind, you don't deserve to have any affect on my emotions. That is obviously power that you do NOT understand the importance of.
So, go have fun with Zak, enjoy your "it's complicated" relationship. Learn to lie less, please. Please! It'll be better for everyone (especially you) if you stop lying: You told me he had nothing at all to do with the breakup. He entered an "it's complicated" relationship hours after you broke up with me. He told me that HE was affected by the break up. Andrew told me you slept with him (don't believe everything Andrew says, yeah, but I KNOW you did SOMETHING with him while you were dating me). You're now in a complicated relationship with him, yet you told me he had nothing to do with it. You told me you were NOT looking for relationship at this time, yet here you are having fun with Zak and it's on Facebook. Surprise! That counts as a relationship. So, go have fun with your new -buddy.
I hope you'll find the time to grow up between all your campaign work, school, and Zak; and I hope you realize what a shitty thing you did to me. It's completely not fair. I love(d) you with all my heart. You decided that neither I nor my love was worth ANY effort on your part. You decided to go for the cheap, anytime thrills instead of something you said you believed in because it would require some extra effort on your part. I see where your priorities lie. I see that I am not important. To you. I am now the most important person in my life. You have taught me two things now: 1) I have had the wrong attitude about everything, always feeling sorry for myself, and now 2) that I am the most important person in my life. Thank you. You've changed me. You've had an effect on me. I can only see this being good for me. I wanted to love you, I wanted to be the person you loved and turned to and continued to look at with that happy face I remember when you first visited. Not anymore. I don't want -- I can't -- keep thinking about someone as immature as you. It's not about you anymore. It's about me. Thank you for liberating me.
All that said, I really do hope you grow up at some point. I really do hope that perhaps we can try again. I do still love you, but you are right: we can NOT go back to what we had. We will both be different people if we try again. It WILL be completely new. And that is for the best. As you are, right now, you are not worth my time or emotions. I am certain that will change, I don't know when that will change, but I believe you have the ability to grow up and make smart decisions.
Feelings you'll see behind this letter: Anger and hate, just like last time.
Feelings I'm writing in this letter: Relief. That's it.
I am not angry anymore. I am not hurt. I am completely calm right now. This whole letter was written while being calm. I am over it. I am over you. I thought about this a lot and came to this conclusion while playing Rock Band with Paul and Andrew. I barely talked about you to them. That would only be letting you win. No. You don't win. I win. You may have a new toy right now, but he'll be gone in less than a month. I have a new start, a new take on life that will last me forever and treat me very, very well.
Changes
I've got it in my head these past few days that I should get a haircut, but I have no idea what I would do. I liked it when it was short like it was almost precisely a year ago. I also love having the long bangs that come down the side of my face. I miss how my hair would look after I waited for the El on the platform and after I walked to work during the summer. The wind shaped my hair very nicely and I just don't have that anymore. I could emulate the look with hair stuff and a hairdryer, I'm sure, but that a) requires money and b) requires time that would make me feel like a girl. Neither of which is all that desirable. We'll see what happens, if anything I need at least a trim and to bring the back up a little bit more than the rest. Though that might end up looking gay or extra-feminine. I don't know. And it's pretty much decided that I have to keep some sort of goatee going, because otherwise I look far too feminine in the face. I just have to figure out how long I want to keep the thing and then how to keep it that long. All I've always done is let it get stupid long and then shave it all off.
I constantly have dreams about my bottom front tooth being loose and falling out. Last night I had one about all of my bottom front teeth being loose. And to quite a degree, too. It was very unnerving. I finally had that wake-from-a-dream-into-another-dream situation too. I was running around some warehouse and felt my teeth loose. I woke up and was laying in bed, and tried playing with my teeth, they were still loose. I woke up again and all was fine. I don't recall if this was the final time I woke up.
I talked with Jacki a few hours ago. I think my attitude change helped a lot. She said some things that hurt me, but only because she felt/is that way now because of the things I said a week ago that hurt her. I would rather her tell me the truth though. Neither of us knows what's going to happen from here, but I feel a lot better right now. In the end I have learned a lot that is bound to serve me well and that's what life is about.. growing.
Now to eat some food and play some Kirby.
Paradigm Shift
Like whoa.
After some thought collection:
I took a walk this morning around 5:30 because I was just completely unable to focus on my lab. I use to sneak out of dad's house at night and go to Browning to sit on the play structure and think. I am so glad we have a small playground here near the apartments on campus. While I was sitting there something Jacki said to me in the first two weeks of our relationship hit me. It was the first time I had thought about it since she said it (I don't remember her exact words):
This may sound weird, but I look forward to our first problem so that we could work through it and become stronger together.
This may be that problem, this may not be. If it's not, well.. I guess we never got to that first problem Jacki, and that makes me sad. But that's not the point of this. The point is that.. for some reason, I had an epiphany. Not unlike that epiphany-toilet episode of Scrubs I watched with Corey and Phil last Sunday.
When Linda broke up with me, what did I do? I whined and cried, but worst of all I felt sorry for myself. That's all I did. I moved on, but I didn't.. take the chance to learn. ..Thinking about it, I don't think the chance was necessarilly there. I also don't think it was there when I got frustrated that Stephanie starting liking Phil after our date. Nor when Nicole left me. I just felt sad for myself because nothing seemed to work out. Then the past week or so after Jacki broke up with me has been no different. First I jumped to conclusions, then I felt like even more shit for having done so. Then.. I got some fresh air. I really don't know what it is about that quote, but.. I stopped feeling sad for myself. I stopped beating myself up. That is not to say I don't care anymore. It still kills me to have lost her, you have no idea. But.. like.. I feel confident now. I got back from my walk and sat down to finish my lab.. but I still couldn't focus. Instead of moping, though, I was.. smiling. I felt so much better. My mind was forming coherent thoughts. It was working out how things could work, working out how I could do things better, not how I could have done things better.
That's what my problem was, I completely had the wrong attitude about everything. I realize that now. This may be the first step to getting over Jacki. I may have to use it as such. But really, I would rather it be the first step in getting her back. I still love her. I still honestly think things could work with her. I just need to talk to her again and lay it all out there, properly.
Her original want was just to take a break for a bit, be on her own. I don't quite understand that fully, but I do respect it. I fucked things up pretty badly (in my defense, I misunderstood her, big time), but I would love to get things back to that point, back to what she originally wanted, a break. I would count that as a colossal win.
..She'll probably read this before we get a chance to talk again. I dunno. I would like to talk to her soon, but I realize she's busy. I just want to lay it all out there, make my case. You know.
Anyway, yeah, the whole point of this was that I feel amazing right now. I dunno, though, I hesitate to use the world "enlightened" :razz: It's an odd but rejuvenating feeling when you have a realization and complete attitude change for the better like this, especially when it's because of the person you love. Sadness and self-pity have been replaced with confidence and determination. I don't know if it's enough to work, but I will try my damndest.
In other news:
My laptop smells like a hairdryer that's been on for far too long (maybe I should turn it off).
This episode of Atlantis is.. pretty creepy! I like it, I don't recall if the Stargate crew has ever done a creepy episode of either show before. Episode seven of season five, if you haven't seen it, check it out.