Summer
Semester's over, got an apartment with Sarah and our cats (Pinto and Duster).
Working at Law Bulletin again. Same place I was at two years ago. Let's just hope that nothing else from two years ago comes back...
So this is interesting..
I don't like her personality.. at all.
...yet I find myself falling for her.
And no, this is not the UIC-chick from earlier. I still do talk to her every now and then, but conversation always dies.. so... what's the point of trying anything? She mentioned once before I got back to Chicago that we should do something when I did, I said "yeah, that'd be fun." I haven't brought it up since and neither has she. She still IMs me once every couple of days or so, but I think she realizes that it ain't gonna happen.
Nicole: are you ready to fall for a girl?
I think so, yeah. Just maybe not this girl.
The way I understand it, if I fall, I'm going to fall hard. That's just how I am. And really, I'd rather have it that way than become jaded after a bunch of failures. For some reason part of me wants to equate.. "loving hard" (for lack of better words) with being clingy. But there's a difference between becoming invested and dependent. I was invested in Linda and Jacki. I gambled pretty big, especially on Jacki. It sucks to lose a gamble. I don't think I was dependent by any means, though. I pushed Jacki to try and aspire to her goal of being a theatre tech; when she told me she had joined up with the Obama campaign, I thought it was great (not realizing at the time what was really happening). And really, I was happy for her to be doing those things, even if it meant she spent less time talking to me; I wanted her to be happy with herself. I don't try to hold on tight, that's not right. But I also believe there's a difference between jealousy and being clingy. Jealousy is natural and if you don't even feel one iota of jealousy when you're in a relationship, then there's something wrong. It doesn't matter how secure you believe your relationship is, it's that jealousy of the other people she interacts with on a daily basis that aren't you that keeps you wanting to show her how wonderful you think she is and how much you love her; yet you can do that entirely without crossing over into creepy/clingy. No, I haven't figured out precisely how, mind you, as everything is going to be different from person to person, but this is what I believe I try to do.
And I know that I will fall hard again when the next girl comes around. And I know that it will kill me again when it ends. But I know that it won't stop me from giving it my all the next time after that. ...Unless it's this girl. I'm actually kind of worried: What exactly is it about her that is causing me to fall for her?
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
That's the best way to deal with this, given recent developments. It's not worth it anymore. Why should I let myself get upset about this girl that can't seem to commit to anything? This girl that is completely ignoring me (and thus has written me out of her life right now?). This girl that, as all signs point to, would rather have something pointless than have something meaningful and wonderful (her words, she called us wonderful). Should I really let a girl like that cause me this much trouble? Let me get a resounding "no" from.. oh.. everyone? Yeah, not worth it, at all. She obviously needs to grow up a bit and figure out what the hell she wants. I'm obviously not important enough right now to be part of that ride. Fine. It's honestly not something I'd want to be part of right now, either. I thought she was surprisingly mature, but I see now that her young age and immaturity is showing now more than ever. Fine. Hopefully that'll change.
Hopefully things will be different eventually. Right now? I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this shit. It's not worth my time or my emotions. When she gets her shit together, I'll take another look, but right now I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'm not going to think about her anymore. I'm not going to let her bother me anymore.
I don't know if you read this anymore Jacki, I know you used to, but if you do read this I want you to know that what you're doing doesn't bother me anymore. I'm done being hurt by you. I honestly can't be friends with someone like that right now. All my life I've always been looking out for other people, letting them trod on me if need be. No. No more. It's about me now. And right now it is in my best interests to not deal with you while you're still being a child. When you feel you've grown up, perhaps then we could talk again.
I've removed you from my Facebook friends and taken you off my AIM buddylist. Sounds childish at first glance, but think about it. I'm thinking about me now. I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore. So by taking you off AIM I can no longer tell when you're online. By taking you off my Facebook friends I will no longer get any of your feeds. You've actually made it really easy for me! You're profile is hidden from me now that we're no longer friends. I can't see shit. Just as it should be. You no longer deserve the power to hurt me like you are.
'Cause isn't that what love is? Giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them not to? I gave you that power and I trusted you. You broke that trust and abused that power, and I'm still giving you that power. No more! You don't deserve to be on my mind, you don't deserve to have any affect on my emotions. That is obviously power that you do NOT understand the importance of.
So, go have fun with Zak, enjoy your "it's complicated" relationship. Learn to lie less, please. Please! It'll be better for everyone (especially you) if you stop lying: You told me he had nothing at all to do with the breakup. He entered an "it's complicated" relationship hours after you broke up with me. He told me that HE was affected by the break up. Andrew told me you slept with him (don't believe everything Andrew says, yeah, but I KNOW you did SOMETHING with him while you were dating me). You're now in a complicated relationship with him, yet you told me he had nothing to do with it. You told me you were NOT looking for relationship at this time, yet here you are having fun with Zak and it's on Facebook. Surprise! That counts as a relationship. So, go have fun with your new -buddy.
I hope you'll find the time to grow up between all your campaign work, school, and Zak; and I hope you realize what a shitty thing you did to me. It's completely not fair. I love(d) you with all my heart. You decided that neither I nor my love was worth ANY effort on your part. You decided to go for the cheap, anytime thrills instead of something you said you believed in because it would require some extra effort on your part. I see where your priorities lie. I see that I am not important. To you. I am now the most important person in my life. You have taught me two things now: 1) I have had the wrong attitude about everything, always feeling sorry for myself, and now 2) that I am the most important person in my life. Thank you. You've changed me. You've had an effect on me. I can only see this being good for me. I wanted to love you, I wanted to be the person you loved and turned to and continued to look at with that happy face I remember when you first visited. Not anymore. I don't want -- I can't -- keep thinking about someone as immature as you. It's not about you anymore. It's about me. Thank you for liberating me.
All that said, I really do hope you grow up at some point. I really do hope that perhaps we can try again. I do still love you, but you are right: we can NOT go back to what we had. We will both be different people if we try again. It WILL be completely new. And that is for the best. As you are, right now, you are not worth my time or emotions. I am certain that will change, I don't know when that will change, but I believe you have the ability to grow up and make smart decisions.
Feelings you'll see behind this letter: Anger and hate, just like last time.
Feelings I'm writing in this letter: Relief. That's it.
I am not angry anymore. I am not hurt. I am completely calm right now. This whole letter was written while being calm. I am over it. I am over you. I thought about this a lot and came to this conclusion while playing Rock Band with Paul and Andrew. I barely talked about you to them. That would only be letting you win. No. You don't win. I win. You may have a new toy right now, but he'll be gone in less than a month. I have a new start, a new take on life that will last me forever and treat me very, very well.
The Coming Winter
I bet it's not hard to figure out what I meant when I previously talked about thinking too much... Normally my attitude is "play it off, everything will be fine," and I think I've been doing a great job around other people.. but on my own I'm still..
It's.. really quite a jarring change to have not talked to Jacki for almost two weeks now. I realize she's going to be busy with school and the campaign.. and that I may not be high on her list of people to talk to.. but.. I miss her, and..
Imagine one night you're on Facebook and you start talking with an old friend. You guys talk for a few hours, catching up.. And then you talk the next night. And the next night. Catching up has now turned into learning more about each other, sometimes more than you thought you wanted to know, but you're still eager to talk and listen. Now imagine that you're talking with this person every night, for hours upon hours (sometimes upwards of six or seven) until it's almost daybreak; every night (save for, like, maybe a total of five nights) for two and a half months.
That's precisely what happened with Jacki and me. It was something nice and familiar to expect after a long day at work and the general boringness of the summer. I looked forward to talking to her every night. It was worth getting two or three hours of sleep each morning and falling asleep at work. ..I got used to it. It was during this time in the summer while we talked that I honestly believe I fell in love with her. It just took me forever to admit it to myself (I was afraid).. let alone to her.
And, well, then we got together, then she left me, that's all commonly known.
Don't you think that she'd be on my mind less because we don't talk? Normally, maybe, sure.. but.. I lost something consistent in my life. Yeah, I realize that one should never rely on things because change is inevitable.. but.. still.
There's this TV in the main lobby of MSV that usually displays things like upcoming events or news or whatever. It's really too high to be convenient to read (or maybe I'm just too short), but it has displayed a single quote from George Santayana on its screen since mere days before Jacki broke up with me:
To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.
But spring was so fucking nice.
Changes
I've got it in my head these past few days that I should get a haircut, but I have no idea what I would do. I liked it when it was short like it was almost precisely a year ago. I also love having the long bangs that come down the side of my face. I miss how my hair would look after I waited for the El on the platform and after I walked to work during the summer. The wind shaped my hair very nicely and I just don't have that anymore. I could emulate the look with hair stuff and a hairdryer, I'm sure, but that a) requires money and b) requires time that would make me feel like a girl. Neither of which is all that desirable. We'll see what happens, if anything I need at least a trim and to bring the back up a little bit more than the rest. Though that might end up looking gay or extra-feminine. I don't know. And it's pretty much decided that I have to keep some sort of goatee going, because otherwise I look far too feminine in the face. I just have to figure out how long I want to keep the thing and then how to keep it that long. All I've always done is let it get stupid long and then shave it all off.
I constantly have dreams about my bottom front tooth being loose and falling out. Last night I had one about all of my bottom front teeth being loose. And to quite a degree, too. It was very unnerving. I finally had that wake-from-a-dream-into-another-dream situation too. I was running around some warehouse and felt my teeth loose. I woke up and was laying in bed, and tried playing with my teeth, they were still loose. I woke up again and all was fine. I don't recall if this was the final time I woke up.
I talked with Jacki a few hours ago. I think my attitude change helped a lot. She said some things that hurt me, but only because she felt/is that way now because of the things I said a week ago that hurt her. I would rather her tell me the truth though. Neither of us knows what's going to happen from here, but I feel a lot better right now. In the end I have learned a lot that is bound to serve me well and that's what life is about.. growing.
Now to eat some food and play some Kirby.