Paradigm Shift
Like whoa.
After some thought collection:
I took a walk this morning around 5:30 because I was just completely unable to focus on my lab. I use to sneak out of dad's house at night and go to Browning to sit on the play structure and think. I am so glad we have a small playground here near the apartments on campus. While I was sitting there something Jacki said to me in the first two weeks of our relationship hit me. It was the first time I had thought about it since she said it (I don't remember her exact words):
This may sound weird, but I look forward to our first problem so that we could work through it and become stronger together.
This may be that problem, this may not be. If it's not, well.. I guess we never got to that first problem Jacki, and that makes me sad. But that's not the point of this. The point is that.. for some reason, I had an epiphany. Not unlike that epiphany-toilet episode of Scrubs I watched with Corey and Phil last Sunday.
When Linda broke up with me, what did I do? I whined and cried, but worst of all I felt sorry for myself. That's all I did. I moved on, but I didn't.. take the chance to learn. ..Thinking about it, I don't think the chance was necessarilly there. I also don't think it was there when I got frustrated that Stephanie starting liking Phil after our date. Nor when Nicole left me. I just felt sad for myself because nothing seemed to work out. Then the past week or so after Jacki broke up with me has been no different. First I jumped to conclusions, then I felt like even more shit for having done so. Then.. I got some fresh air. I really don't know what it is about that quote, but.. I stopped feeling sad for myself. I stopped beating myself up. That is not to say I don't care anymore. It still kills me to have lost her, you have no idea. But.. like.. I feel confident now. I got back from my walk and sat down to finish my lab.. but I still couldn't focus. Instead of moping, though, I was.. smiling. I felt so much better. My mind was forming coherent thoughts. It was working out how things could work, working out how I could do things better, not how I could have done things better.
That's what my problem was, I completely had the wrong attitude about everything. I realize that now. This may be the first step to getting over Jacki. I may have to use it as such. But really, I would rather it be the first step in getting her back. I still love her. I still honestly think things could work with her. I just need to talk to her again and lay it all out there, properly.
Her original want was just to take a break for a bit, be on her own. I don't quite understand that fully, but I do respect it. I fucked things up pretty badly (in my defense, I misunderstood her, big time), but I would love to get things back to that point, back to what she originally wanted, a break. I would count that as a colossal win.
..She'll probably read this before we get a chance to talk again. I dunno. I would like to talk to her soon, but I realize she's busy. I just want to lay it all out there, make my case. You know.
Anyway, yeah, the whole point of this was that I feel amazing right now. I dunno, though, I hesitate to use the world "enlightened" :razz: It's an odd but rejuvenating feeling when you have a realization and complete attitude change for the better like this, especially when it's because of the person you love. Sadness and self-pity have been replaced with confidence and determination. I don't know if it's enough to work, but I will try my damndest.
In other news:
My laptop smells like a hairdryer that's been on for far too long (maybe I should turn it off).
This episode of Atlantis is.. pretty creepy! I like it, I don't recall if the Stargate crew has ever done a creepy episode of either show before. Episode seven of season five, if you haven't seen it, check it out.
And when I think I’m getting better..
..what comes my way but more hurt and pain at the apparent fact that had I.. said something, anything, I could have had a chance to avoid all of this.. all of this shit I have felt. My mind races back to that moment.. when she was walking out the door.. she... she thought I gave up.. she presented the whole thing as a hopeless scenario.. that i had lost over a week ago. If I had known that the decision was still up in the air.. if i had known that i could've saved it.. there is so much that i would have done..
And then I.. I jumped to conclusions. I made something out of nothing. I made a big fucking something out of nothing. Get ready to punch me in the face everyone, but.. I believe her when she says nothing happened with him. She.. explained her reasons again.. better this time...
there is so much that i would still do...
i miss her
i fucked up
As if that wasn’t enough..
I wonder how much I posted during my last serious bout of tonsillitis.. if it gets as bad again.. I don't think I'll be posting much at all (due to, you know, being dead and all again). My tonsils definitely started.. feeling funny earlier yesterday. Well, the mere fact that I could feel them when swallowing is a scary, scary problem. I am not going to class tonight.. Might as well see if I can get some extra sleep in tonight...
I had a dream somewhere between midnight-thirty and four in the afternoon.. It was pretty neat.. I was getting a late meal at some.. fast food place in a mall. The mall was closing yet I could still somehow get up to the second floor, so I took my food up there. There was a pool on the second floor, just right in the middle, so I swam for a bit and then decided to wander around on the third floor. The third floor, at least along the entire back wall, was someone's house. I ended up hiding in a room that looked and felt strangely like David's at my dad's house because the father figure was looking for whatever was causing all the noise I was making.. ..Just now I realized I've had this dream before. Well, not this one, but it did take place in this same mall-type place and I do recall being in that "house" on the third floor before. I'm pretty sure the pool was more elabroate last time with like water slides and stuff (as well as people because the mall was open last time). I also recall going up to the fifth floor where a bunch of clothing shops were. I think I was running from something last time? I can't remember too well. I don't remember when I last dreamed this place...
I wonder if there's some sort of emotional-physical tie-in to my tonsillitis? The first time I got it, the last week of this most recent Christmas break.. I don't think there was anything emotionally jarring. No.. I think I was pretty well off in that regard. The second time was almost a week or so after Nicole broke up with me. A bunch of us went to Noodles and Co. for dinner on the Wednesday during Spring Break. I started feeling slightly ill following that.. and the next week and a half / two weeks were me laying dead in my room. The third time was a brief little scare during the summer, shortly after I started working. I attribute that one to a new work environment and a nasty, nasty keyboard. And now here I am.. just two days after Jacki broke up with me and my tonsils are swelling a little... I haven't had any food or anything that would possibly do this.. Though maybe all that booze and the subsequent vomiting could probably be a cause... I just hope it doesn't get as bad again..
I e-mailed Erica at the reg. office to tell her that I will NOT be able to work this semester.. seeing as how I'm having a hard time making it to my classes to begin with.. adding a job into the mix is just a bad idea. I'll just have to stop.. buying things.
I.. sent Jacki a hugely long message on Facebook... Still waiting for a reply.. (I'm not holding out for one, honestly) Basically the reason I am so upset is that.. after I got to thinking about her reasons or breaking up with me.. they all point to her having lied to me. About.. well, a few different things. I detailed it all in the letter. I.. am not going to do what I did when Linda broke up with me and just let loose here on my site. That was immature of me.
Oh "Compare People" Facebook App.. I just got an email with the subject "Anthony, here are your hottest single friends."
* "Who is hotter"
1. Alyssa Grant (210 points, voted 261 times) Go figure
2. Lisa Stanley (135 points, voted 184 times)
3. Shana Hartel (100 points, voted 144 times) Worked with her.. pretty cool gal
4. Linda Goldstein (195 points, voted 639 times)
5. Jennifer Arlene Priehs (87 points, voted 135 times)
If my tonsils don't get any better this week, I'll make an appointment at the health center for the end of this week or the beginning of next week, whichever is available.
Her arguments were really just kind of flaky, especially given all that we had talked about leading up to and during our relationship. So either she gave me bullshit arguments.. which, no, she did give me bullshit arguments (really, you should've heard them). But that also means that most of what she said to me.. wasn't real, wasn't how she felt, wasn't what she believed in. I was sad Friday night / Saturday morning. I was angry Sunday after thinking more about it, and now I am just.. bleh.
I mean, really, what am I doing wrong? Should I stop the nice guy routine? Should I stop caring about the girl so much? I just want them to be happy! "Yeah.. I know.. that's why I'm talking to you about this.." ..because my wanting you to be happy means I am a pushover and will let you go without a fight...? I never have the words to argue or say what I want to say during any such situation. It's always afterwards that I find them.. and by then it's too late. ..Well, with Jacki I have a feeling it was too late a week ago. I remember having a really paranoid, bad feeling shortly before our one month... Jeremy talked me out of it, but it seems like.. it was well founded, yeah? I had another dread feeling when she got here, when she was hesitant to kiss me. Same feeling I had shortly before Nicole broke up with me..
Jeremy got me booze and someone to complain to. Linda got me someone to complain to and a hug. Nicole got me cookies and someone to complain to. Amber got me a hug. Corey and Phil got me Giordonno's pizza. Jason and Alyssa let me bitch and moan to them. I'm glad I've got friends to put up with my whining like this. Though.. I'd rather not have to rely on them for.. whining...
There was just a squirrel fight outside. Awesome.
I guess the reason I always end up falling so hard (and subsequently getting hurt so hard... everytime :neutral: ) is that I have a particular life philosophy that pertains to situations like these... I think I heard it from Celeste?
If you're not going to love with all your heart, why love?
I mean.. it makes sense, right? Or maybe I'm just stupid...
Anyway, it's dinner time. I think overall I'm actually handling this pretty well. I just hope my tonsils do too..
That’s a lot of days…
A month of days, to be exact =P
Did you know that Jacki is an intern for president-hopeful Obama? Well, more an intern for an on-campus chapter of Obama's campaign at OU. It's really cool. She's been working a lot and it's easy to see that she really enjoys and believes in what she's doing. It is really nice to see her put so much energy into something that excites her.
She's a wonderful girl. I think I already mentioned the eight hour talk we had outside Navy Pier a month ago, but we've been talking for hours nearly every night (not so much lately with school and her working) since about late July, mid-June. It's really cool. We'll just stay up forever talking about anything and everything. It is so easy to talk to her. That's really the best thing.. the ability to communicate so openly with someone, it's an important foundation for any relationship. I am happy to have a girlfriend. No, wait. Scratch that. I am happy to have a completely wonderful girlfriend.. but I am happiest that we have the ability to communicate with each other as we do. 'Cause really, what's the point if the ability to communicate is lacking? It took me a while to realize this important factor... but I'm pretty sure I got it right this time :)
Happy one month Jacki :D